Prayers for conflict and broken relationships

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Bible verses about conflict and reconciliation

What each passage meant where it was written, and what it does and does not offer you now.

If it be possible, as much as in you lieth, be at peace with all men.

Paul wrote this to Christians under real pressure in Rome, and he built two qualifiers into one sentence. If it is possible admits that sometimes it is not. As much as it is up to you admits that half of it is not yours to decide. This is the verse to keep when someone implies that an unresolved conflict is proof of your failure.

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called sons of God.

Matthew 5:9: read the chapter

Peacemaking and peacekeeping are not the same work. Jesus said this to people living under occupation, where keeping quiet was the safe option and making peace was costly and public. A peacemaker names what is wrong and tries to mend it. The verse gets used to praise whoever in a family is best at pretending everything is fine.

To him that smiteth thee on the [one] cheek offer also the other; and from him that taketh away thy cloak withhold not thy coat also.

Luke 6:27–36: read the chapter

This is the most misused sentence on the page. Jesus is describing a slap, a public insult in that culture, and refusing to answer humiliation with humiliation. It has been read to mean that a person being abused must stay and absorb it. That reading has done enormous damage. Refusing revenge is not the same as staying within reach of someone who is harming you.

Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:

Ephesians 4:25–32: read the chapter

Two things sit side by side here, and most quotations drop one. Anger is assumed, not forbidden. What follows is a limit on what you do with it. The line about the sun going down is often used to force a resolution before bedtime, which can pressure the injured party into a fast peace. It is aimed at stopping anger settling into contempt, not at scheduling.

Ye know [this], my beloved brethren. But let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:

James 1:19–20: read the chapter

James was writing to scattered congregations arguing among themselves. The instruction is about speed, not about whether you are allowed to feel things. Slow to anger is not never angry, and the next line says human anger does not produce what God is after, which is a comment on its usefulness rather than a verdict on you for having it.

A soft answer turneth away wrath; But a grievous word stirreth up anger.

Proverbs 15:1–4: read the chapter

Proverbs states a general pattern, not a guarantee. A gentle answer often lowers the temperature, and sometimes it is met with contempt. Read it as advice about your own contribution to the room. It is misused when it is quoted at someone to mean their tone was the real problem and the harm done to them was not.

Thou hypocrite, cast out first the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.

Matthew 7:1–5: read the chapter

Notice that the speck still comes out at the end. This is not a ban on ever naming a problem, which is how it is usually deployed to shut a conversation down. It is about order. Deal with your own part first, honestly, and you will see the other person’s part more clearly rather than less.

And if thy brother sin against thee, go, show him his fault between thee and him alone: if he hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother.

Matthew 18:15–20: read the chapter

This is a process for a community, with each stage designed to keep a dispute as small as it can safely be. It assumes rough equality between the two people. Where there is a power difference, or a crime, or fear, going alone to the person is not what this passage requires, and churches that have insisted on it have caused real harm. Involve others early.

And Esau ran to meet him, and embraced him, and fell on his neck, and kissed him: and they wept.

Genesis 33:1–11: read the chapter

Jacob had cheated his brother and run for his life. Twenty years later he came back braced for the worst, and what he got was arms round his neck. Notice what he does first though. He divides the children between their mothers and sets them in order before the meeting, in case it goes badly. Hoping for reconciliation and preparing sensibly are not a contradiction.

Quoted from the American Standard Version (1901), which is in the public domain. Every reference on this page was checked against the text. Chapter links open the same translation in our reader.

Questions people ask

What do I pray when I do not want to forgive them?

Say that. Not a polished version of it. The Psalms are full of people telling God exactly how they feel about their enemies, and those prayers are in the book. Forgiveness that is announced before it is real tends to go underground and come back later as bitterness. Praying honestly about not wanting to forgive is not a failure to pray. It is usually where the actual work starts.

Does forgiving someone mean I have to let them back in?

No. Forgiveness and reconciliation are different things, and only one of them is up to you on your own. You can release someone from what you are owed and still not answer their calls. Reconciliation needs two people, honesty about what happened, and usually changed behaviour over time. Where there has been abuse or a crime, take it to people who can act, the police, a domestic abuse service, or a safeguarding lead, rather than handling it privately.

Should I pray for the person I am in conflict with?

If you can, yes, and it is allowed to be a very short prayer with no warmth in it. Asking God to deal with them, and to let things go well for them if that is possible, is enough. Many people find that praying for someone slowly changes how they carry them. If even that is beyond you today, pray for yourself instead and come back to it later.

Is it a sin to be angry about it?

No. Ephesians assumes anger and then puts limits round what you do with it, and Jesus was angry more than once. What Scripture warns about is anger that settles in and becomes contempt, or that comes out as words designed to wound. Anger often carries information about what was actually wrong. The question is not whether you feel it but what it is turning into.

How long should I keep praying if nothing changes?

Nobody can tell you, and anyone who gives you a number is guessing. Some estrangements end after fifteen years and some never do. What we would say is that praying about it does not oblige you to keep chasing it. You can pray for someone daily and contact them once a year. You can also stop praying about it for a season without that meaning anything about your faith.

Prayers for a relationship in conflict

Before a conversation you are dreading

The hour before we talk

For a gentler answer than I have ready

Short prayer at the door

When I have to hear something true

When you are still angry

I am still furious

The message I have not sent

This is not fair

When I keep telling the story

When they have stopped speaking

For the silence between us

Whether to try again

Keeping the door open

When you were in the wrong

I was the one in the wrong

If they will not take my apology

For the shame that keeps coming back

When going back is not safe

For a peace that is not surrender

When people tell me to forgive

For them, from a distance

When I have nothing left tonight

Bible verses about conflict and reconciliation

Where these verses get misused

Questions people ask

Writing for this subject

Praying for the Relative Who Left the Faith Behind

A Prayer for the First Weeks After Someone Leaves

A Prayer for the Ten Minutes Before That Conversation